Out of Ideas

I’ve felt like I have had writers block lately. Like I started this blog, and got all of my ideas out, and there turned out to be like, five. Oops.

I’m sure there’s more in there, but it has been overshadowed lately. My anxiety has gotten very intense and it seems to keep my mind from doing anything constructive or creative. I keep it together for my girls, but at the end of the day, when they’re asleep and their little lives aren’t quite as impacted by me, it all comes flooding in. My stupid hands start shaking like I’m freezing cold. I’m not though.

My neighbor died very unexpectedly and suddenly, and somewhat publicly last week. She was very young, and kind, and had a husband and two young children. I still do not know all of the specifics, and it is not my place or my business, but what I did experience in trying to help on the night she died was extremely upsetting. I am heartbroken for her family. I think the moment my own mother died, I became even more horrified at the thought of anyone else in this world suffering from grief. Especially young children. My inability to undo their hurt makes me very, very sad.

It doesn’t take much anymore for me to spiral in respects to anxiety, but it had gotten so much better. I am frustrated at myself for the regression. I think the best way to describe the feeling is to imagine two simultaneous versions of yourself. There is the one who is anxious, who is scared of the tiniest unpredictability or shift in balance. Then there is another version. The logical, intelligent side that is standing outside, looking in at the unraveled mess of a person whose hands shake and heart races, who knows how little sense the fears make, and who can’t do a damn thing about fixing it. And I hate to medicate it. I am a big fan of medicating anxiety, or depression, in the same way you would medicate another illness. It is just as necessary.  But the impact when it wears off is really pretty awful (for me at least.)
I don’t mean to complain…ultimately I have it really, really good. I know that. I just am frustrated and hoping writing does some good.

2 thoughts on “Out of Ideas

  1. Keep writing. It has already proven to be a healing and necessary activity. And others will benefit from your experience and wisdom. Try to not be hard on yourself. What happened last week was extremely upsetting. A very sad situation which you understand all too well. Different circumstances, but grief is grief. And when young children are involved, the impact is exponentially worse. Just keep writing!

  2. You are in no way complaining I hate that it happened to your neighbors I hope the shaking ceases and in no way is attributed to any medication I completely and totally agree on the two versions aspect you do such a great job with your angels I commend you keeping balance with and for them

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s