Worth a Try

I’ve never been a New Year’s Resolution kind of person. I guess I have always been the type to quietly go about achieving goals I have set for myself. I am always planning, and always have things I hope to accomplish personally, professionally, etc., but those things come flooding in at will to my random mind that has no off switch whatsoever.

This year I have felt differently about resolutions, but I only have one. I want to hope this year. The biggest personal casualty of my grief over my mom has ended up being my sense of hope. Not a lack of hope in all things, but certainly a lack of hope that I will ever feel better than I do now. I am constantly amazed by how much I can enjoy the things in life that I did before my mom died, but there is always a crash, and a reality that things are forever different…my family, my view of the world, me. It’s a lot like looking at the same world, and the same life, but through shaded glasses. Things, at least for now, are not as bright as they used to be.

As a result, I have approached many days and minutes as kind of a “put your head down and get through it” situation. It makes you miss a lot to do things this way. The one thing I have made certain I am present for and attentive to is my time with my daughters. I won’t let myself miss a day that they are growing up. But my own enjoyment of everything else suffers. I thought back on 2015, the first full year without my mom, and realized how many fun things I did that I had almost forgotten about. I remember thinking at the beginning of the year that I was going to work hard to do more and enjoy more. To have more experiences with my family and my friends. To live my life more than I had in 2014, while my mom was sick, and after she died. That year is nothing but a blur to me, something I hardly recall aside from the trauma of the days and weeks spent unknowingly and slowly saying goodbye to the woman I admired most.
I realized in my reflecting, that I had done what I set out to do in 2015. I took trips, I spent time with my family, and my friends, I tried a lot harder than I wanted to sometimes. I started writing, I read more, I sang more, I had fewer sleepless nights, and I let myself be okay at times. I also realized that I did all of  those things with my head down, plugging through, trying to cross them off of a mental list, and busy myself within them so that I didn’t have to think about how much I was hurting under the surface. I didn’t absorb the moments, I just existed in them. I let the idea that I will always feel like I do now take over, and I stopped having faith that this pain is temporary. I think with everything my family has endured for over five years, I have become someone waiting for the other shoe to drop, and holding my breath until it happens.

I have realized that I HATE being like that. I miss my optimism. I miss the feeling that everything is going to be okay. I was optimistic and hopeful and faithful through so much for so long, and now I am exhausted. Anxiety, and anger, and bitterness are easier. There is no risk in that, and there is no disappointment in it, or at least nothing new. But I am not really that person. That person has missed out on truly being immersed in good things, and good experiences, and I don’t want to be like that anymore.  So my goal for this year is to become hopeful again. I want to do the same kinds of things I did last year, but I want to do them through different eyes, without the shade cast over them. I may be expecting too much too soon. I’m not sure. But I can definitely try.

3 thoughts on “Worth a Try

  1. I have so much admiration for you, and so much respect for who you are, and what you do, and how you do it. I have learned so much from you, even though I am supposed to be the teacher. I will do everything in my power this year to help you restore that hope, and return to the person you really are.

  2. Being hopeful is a good feeling to have – and I think many times we forget about it for reasons only we know. Hope is there, and those reasons will fade away for you to find it again. Thank your for following my blog, I truly appreciate it. 🙂

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