I have been tossing around the idea of blogging for quite a while. My level-headed husband finally convinced me that I should bite the bullet and start. I LOVE writing, and I have since I was about thirteen. To me it feels like a form of artistic expression, and art is something else that has always been a part of who I am.
I have wanted to be a free lance writer for quite some time, but particularly in the last 15 months. Ironically, the things that have made me feel called to write have also been the things that have stopped me from doing so, until today. I have written a few things, but my own self-consciousness has made me wonder if anyone would be interested in what I have to say. But, if I want to write for a living some day, I need to start here, and I need to stop concerning myself over what may or may not interest a reader. I have to hope that because of my experiences, or passions, or lessons, or confusion, I can be some sort of help to someone else. I guess I’ll find out.
The theme of my life for several years is that I am a grieving daughter, and a grieving person. My mother’s cancer battle, and her death a little over fifteen months ago from the flu after surviving cancer has absolutely leveled me. I am not a depressed person, but I am deeply sad, hurt, angry….I feel every emotion imaginable. Some of those emotions are very confusing to me. Some of them make complete sense. I think writing them down may help me progress. I feel that if I do not grow and change as a person, and help others through grief, then so much of what I have suffered will have been in vain. At the same time, my grief has made me feel very one-dimensional. I feel like it’s all that I am at times, all that I talk about, all that I feel. It has stopped me from writing, because I have wondered if it is the only thing I will ever write about. I have started to embrace the reality that, at least for now, it is the foundation of who I am. I am many things, I play many roles, but they are all built on a foundation of grief. Not just the sadness and heartbreak, but the strength, wisdom, anxiety (there is plenty of that,) anger, peace, and a multitude of other emotions that go along with it. I think it is time to acknowledge that, and time to stop worrying that I may seem like a broken record with the things that I say. So, I guess I’ll see how this goes.